recap

-nagkasakit ako nung Christmas Eve

-nagkaroon ako ng kotse nung Christmas Eve

-namigay ako ng regalo sa mga tao sa library

-nagtrabaho ako sa library...

-magtatrabaho ako sa library

-may nagsabi sa akin na wag ko raw syang iiwan.. (very sweet.. bes ko yun)

-PROUD AKO SA BES KO galing galing niyang sumayaw. sobra.. ang macho talaga.. ayun.

-proud ako sa lahat ng friends ko

-miss ko na pinas.

ciao!

i'm home - i was, hours ago...

Aga ko umuwi ngayon! hehe.

Nagclose yung school early e. So I had 1.5 hours of free 'no work time'. Gulo nun a... anyway...

Imbes na 5 ako uwi... 3:30 na lang.

Ganun talaga-- tulad ng sabi ko, nagsnow kasi, so kung sa Pinas pa... bagyo na rito yun... haha. OR so they say. Whatever na nga lang.

Anyway... yung sasabihin ko talaga sa entry ko na ito e... MAGLILINIS AKO. You know, getting rid of all the school papers last term and the previous terms, and getting ready for the term to come.

Binigyan ako ngayon ng boss ko ng gift. Ang sweet nga e. Mei card pa. Binalot pa ng wife niya yung gift. Very sweet. Sad lang kasi wala akong gift para sa kanila...

Now I know... uso pala ang gift-giving dito.

Ever since pa naman... Nabili na talaga ako ng maramihang gift para ibigay sa lahat. HAHA. Feeling Santa? Hindi...

Feeling social worker lang...

ANyWay... gotta go... sago...

-mhaby-

blog from work...

Location: AU Library

Reason for blogging: It's snowing madly!

Real reason for blogging: I don't have one.

Anyway, I just wanted to try and make an entry from where I work-- here in the library (my second home). I was just about to go to the second floor where the books are kasi kakacheck ko lang ng number ng book na hinahanap ko, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Fortunately, meron pala dito sa library namen nun... palibhasa kasi, karamihan sa mga libro na hinahanap ko-- wala rito. Tulad lang ng Twilight ni Steph M. (di ko lam yung tamang spelling ng name nia. hehe kaya FC muna ako). Anyway, maghahanap sana ako sa BN (Barnes and Noble) nung book ni Ayn Rand, pero syempre itatanong ko pa sa customer service yun kasi apparently, hindi ko sya mahanap by myself *stupid moments* kasi. Yung Twilight naman, ayoko bilhin kasi feeling ko naman hindi worth i-keep. I mean, curious ako na basahin sya pero parang --one time read for me lang. You know, parang Harry Potter.

Enough na nga about books! Hindi ko pa nga tapos yung book ni Jackie Spinner (and Jenny Spinner) na Tell Them I Didn't Cry. Tungkol sya sa foreign journalism sa Iraq-- personal memoir niya. Yung China Boy naman ni Gus Lee, hindi ko na binasa talaga ng masinsinan. Although, medyo naengganyo ako sa first 3 pages, hiniram ko sya agad pero parang narealize ko, tungkol pala sa pagbubully sa kanya nung bata sya. Hindi ako fan ng bullying.

So, I'll be working in about 15 minutes. Eto na siguro entry ko for today. Who knows...

-mhaby-

Other blogs of mine...

All of which are in English-- but who cares? I do, but do you? ;-p

http://htmytu.blogspot.com (i don't really know how to describe this pero alam ko mahahaba entries ko rito e... hehe)

http://meykbelieve.blogspot.com (mejo dramatic, maraming figurative speeches akong ginamit dito i.e. metaphors and similes)

so yun. yun na muna ha? :)

-mhaby-

not my most favorite day...

Monday is done.

Nakita ko na yung final grade ko.

Hindi sya maganda. (3.95 - never ako nagkaron ng ganyang grade, hindi sa pagmamayabang pero 4.0er ako...)

Nakasagutan ko yung ate ko na matalas yung tenga... tas ako pa raw yung matalas yung tenga a... alam mo yung masama run... napaka...!#%$% (nagkakasundo naman kami minsan, pero minsan talaga nakakapikon... oh well... e dahil mas magaling sya, mas matalino, MAS sa lahat... mas generous, mas may pera... syempre kailangang 'magpakumbaba' -- pero mas napagiisa at mas matangkad pa rin ako sa kanya., hehe).

I have feeling na yung Type A personality ko... e dahil sa ate ko. Umiiyak ako pag natatalo ako, pag may hindi ako nagagawang tama, kapag may mas magaling saken (pero nageget over ko lahat yan in time) dahil na rin siguro sa ate ko, dahil forever na ako nakumpara sa kanya (nung bata ako lalo na, recently kasi hindi na masyado). Ayoko talaga maging 'the lesser one'. Ayoko.
Hindi ko gusto, at hindi dapat. Alam kong hindi ganun kagaling yung memory, logic, and reasoning ko noh, kaya nga feeling ko hindi makatarungan kasi hindi ako nabiyayaan ng ganun.

Pero imbes na hayaan ko na lang. Gagawin ko ang lahat para mas umangat. Dahil hindi ako talunan. Hindi ako yun.

-mhaby-

friends...

thanks sa pagbasa...
haha...

dahil hindi na rin ako masyadong nakakapagOL...
dito na lang siguro ako magbabalita ng mga nangyayari sa life ko...
pero asahan niyong mago-OL din ako kapag nasa mood ako...

maraming-maraming salamat pO! (sticky keys... haha...)

-mhaby-

"If someone tells you that you have to let go... anu gagawin mo? makikinig ka ba?
If someone tells you to stay... will you stay? makikinig ka ba?
If someone tells you to listen... makikinig ka ba?
E kung makikinig ka...
siguraduhin mong tama ang pagkakarinig mo... e pano kasi kung...
'you have to let go...(but come back kasi i'll be waiting...).' ; 'please stay... (kasi once na binitawan na "niya" ako, i'll need someone to lean on to)' ; 'listen to me... (kasi hindi ko alam sasabihin ko, but i just want you to listen, in case i figure out what to say).'" -m.L.-

P.S. 1

... feeling ko kasi.. marami akong 'P.S.' sa future...

`yung script ko, hindi ko pa naitutuloy... kasi... uhmn... di pa ako ginaganahan ulit na icontinue.

at least ngayon... hindi ko na s'ya mabubura tuwing tinamad na ako or kinakahiya ko gawa ko or badtrip ako kasi hindi ko s'ya kinompyuterize...

mahirap magpunit ng maraming pages. sayang sa papel. kaya nandyan lang s'ya sa corner ng room (inaalikabok) sa ayaw ko man o sa gusto. *bow*

-mhaby-

schedule for this week...

it's been a while...

my official winter break has begun since Friday!

Friday afternoon - gym!
Friday evening - dad's company party... dance, dance, dance..

Saturday - went to outlet mall... they shopped, i whined.

Sunday (today) - went to Church in the morning, volunteered at Goggleworks from 12 to 3, choir practice from 6:30 to 8:15...

---

Sched for the rest of the week:

Monday - from 1 to 5: work at AU archives
Tuesday - same as Monday

Wednesday - driving lessons from 10 am

Thursday - Goggleworks administrative volunteerism from 10 am

Friday and Saturday - nothing planned
Sunday - choir practice from 6:30

----

I think that's about it :-)

-mhaby-

Philo paper...

My philo paper is really, really frustrating me!!!

Parang, hellO!!!! ayoko na netong philo paper na to.. pedeng wag na lang gawin.. panira sa grade e... bad talaga... *sad*

-mhaby-

Exams

Schedule for today:

TUESDAY December 9, 2008

8:30 - Management exam Upland 225

10 onwards - magaabang ng magsasakay saken pabalik ng main campus kasi ayokong maglakad sa below 0 degrees na panahon

1 pm to 5 pm - Archival work

5:30 onwards - uuwi na ako! Thank God! :-) (and syempre gagawin ung dreaded Philo paper ko-- anu pa nga ba...)

-mhaby-

My Personal Blog

Finally, a personal blog for me...

I don't think I have to make formal introductions na...

So heto, Tagalog ang gagamitin kong lingwahe dito...

Bakit ko ba naisip magkaron ng Tagalog na personal blog--finally? Well, kasi una, ganito yun:

1. Meron akong Spaces na blog na nastart ko pa noong 2006... Apparently, it's not really that opened to the public... It's mostly like a private space. Hence, no one can comment without signing up (smartness...). Therefore, I marked it under private na lang din, so only those with Spaces can see it, and besides, I only have one reader on it-- RA.

2. I just read, because of unexpected circumstances, Jon Bade's blog. Apparently (again), he has a blog! I ended up reading one entry and saw an entry dedicated to -- ME! haha. Funny. It was about my birthday! My EVER-so-great 17th birthday. *touched*
There wasn't much I know. Sinummarize lang niya yung nangyari nung araw na yun.. Yung tipong 7 lang kami nun, but I loved it when he also explained na separate yung mga celebrations nung birthday ko nun--which is true, kasi if I placed everyone in one place all at the same time, hindi na kami magkakaintindihan--panay getting to know each other lang. It was my birthday, and I want it to be MY birthday, and the bonding should be with ME. After all, it was my last teenage year in the Philippines. So in short, I think it was the best. I have a lot of friends, but very little space, so I 'grabbed' the most available na lang.

3. I'm beginning to love this space.

4. I have other blogs under an alias. This, actually, is also under an alias, but see that the URL of the blog is my real nickname (actually, it's ONE of my real nicknames--who cares?).

5. I promised to have a blog in Tagalog under blogspot.

6. I have the time to make a personal blog.

Anyway, I think that's all na lang muna. I'll try my best to update and talk about people in my life, and MY life generally. My other blogs are about insanity mostly. Let's have a blog naman about my vanity... It would be like my testimonial page to all of my friends. You know, like a friendly letter that can be seen by whoever. :)

-mhaby-

A Career Objective...

Okay, so a friend IM'ed me and asked what would be a nice career objective for her resume...

I don't know anything about career objectives. I am not prepared yet, even, to have a job outside my college.

But, I realized then and there that maybe I should be prepared. I MUST be prepared. Life is like a Girl Scout's motto. ALWAYS be prepared.

So then...

If I were to have a career objective, what would it be?

Hmn...


1. To be able to practice my skills in a professional level of the business field. (Too... vague and innocent, but it may work)

2. To be able to get a salary more than the minimum wage per hour. (So true!)

3. To be able to just have a job! (Too straightforward... and what's with the exclamation point?!)

4. To have more friends. (Awww. Poor thing. She's hired!)

5. To share the love with my co-workers. (Yeah, right...)

6. To be able to work my way up and conquer the business arena therefore leading me to my ultimate goal, and that is to make Bill Gates in the #2 slot, and I on the #1. (Perfect!)

Okay, so now I have my career objective. I just have to type that in... and... click! Okay, printed. Gotta go! (I'm submitting this to HR, See yah!)

The Honored 'H'... (for J.B.)

The title may be a bit intriguing...

It may sound a bit off from the whole theme of the blog...

But, let me just take a few moments to make a tribute to a friend...

(This won't take long...)

----

It may have taken long before I made something for you...

It may have taken a while before I realized I haven't done anything for you...

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm sure you have at some point because I, myself, have...

You've been a dear friend to me, my friend...

A great comrade in a battle that I, alone, am fighting...

My own life full of 'misery' that are mostly created by my thoughts...

My own battle in a corner of a big fiesta...

My own little world where only I know who my enemies are and what my friends look like...

Thank you for being a wall to lean on at times...

Being the ink for my unusable pen...

Being the shadow at night in a narrow and dark street without lights...

Being the mouse for a laptop when the touchpad doesn't function...

Being the 24/7 pharmacy for when I get sick at midnight...

And just..

Being there even if I have given nothing to you, but hurt...

I must say, this is quite odd, for I know that it mustn't be placed here...

But, because of you... my dullest days have been less dull, and I think it is best to have just a bad day than worst...

Thank you...

;-)

-mi cherie (M.L.)

wHen iN nEed oF LigHt...

I need light.

Light is my only hope.

If there is no light.

I can't--

I can't---

I can't----

I can't take stupid pictures of myself, OK?!

**I hope you get that what I'm saying is literally LIGHT. I need strobe lights. If I can't get strobe lights then BOO-HOO me.

If You Asked Me How I Am...

If you asked me how i am right now...



I would, sadly, not know what to say...



I dig deep into my thoughts and wonder...



How am I?



-I am fine, thanks.



-I'm doing well. Thank you.



-Good, how about you?



Sometimes I feel as if I am alone, sometimes I feel as if I am stranded in a huge island, but no where to go, no time to laugh, no time to have fun.



I feel trapped inside a coccoon that has been already been opened, but it's just me who's refusing to get out. Life a bitch? No.



I think life is just doing its job.



It wouldn't be worth it, if it weren't hard, right?



Besides, things will stay the same if I don't get up and get going...



I may be sad at times, but forgive me for being so. It's just too hard, but nothing stays impossible.



So, if you asked me now how I am...



-I'm fine, you?

Right Writing -- awkward wording.

Points to think about:
1. Why is writing such a hard thing to do?
2. Why is reading boring or uncool?
3. Is a nerd still a nerd after he or she becomes successful? (Good day, Mr. Bill Gates)
4. Tell me honestly, what inspires you? (Or don't tell me, you and I don't know each other--I'm just saying...)
5. If you're done reading this, will you let others read it too? (That's a trick question...)

Writing.
As some of you may know. I despise writing. I like thinking, though. I like the idea of having an idea--all the time. I like reading too. It's fun knowing how others think. If it's boring, then maybe it's better to keep the thoughts for other people to read. Writing is something that I do not want to do. Am I a hypocrite?

(Well, yeah... it kinda looks that way.)

Wait, wait. Let me explain...
See, I like writing when ideas are already 'ready to harvest'. Most of the time, I just like reading about or thinking more about it rather than writing it. It's just so tiring to write about it, right? Think about it. When you write, you have to think about the punctuation marks, the grammar, the spelling, the ideas (is it really yours? Or do you have to credit people on it?). Writing--has a whole course about it. People actually major on this stuff (actually I'm not sure if there's such a major called-- Bachelor in Arts major in Writing, but it's kinda like an expression, so let's just move on...) This entry isn't really about criticizing 'writing'... it's about encouraging people to gather ideas and possibly spreading it.

Gathering ideas is about reading, right? Or watching some movie or show. I kinda like reading more. I don't know why. Aside from it doesn't have commercials (there's a DVD for animation), and you can, like, read parts again or skip parts (there's a 'rewind' and 'forward' for animation). Okay, so maybe you wouldn't skip a word or two from what people are saying, and you could even see the right spellings for names and such because it's written on paper... (there's subtitles for animation). Okay, shut up, sentences in parentheses, you are not helping at all.

I have read a lot of books in my lifetime. Mostly fiction, though--for entertainment. I actually laughed out loud to some, and cried to most of them some. Recently, I tried to read some nonfiction, and historical literature that, what I think, are fun and entertaining. After a few books, I feel that I became smarter than I was (yeah right, like .02% smarter). Anyhoot, I read, and I think reading is great. It's like living a different life vicariously from time to time. It's better than acting (sometimes).

I think that great writers are the best readers. How would they know what to write by just relying on experience? Even Robert Ong reads. He knows a lot, and I mean A LOT. His books are hilarious and sometimes ridiculous, but not only does he write from his heart and from his mind, he writes from other people's perspectives too. You know, like imagining how this person felt, or something like that.

It's like bread and jam. There would be no jam if one puts peanut butter on the bread... Always READ the label, please (or you could just look at what you put on the bread. When it looks like jam, then it's not peanut butter. Simple.)

I have to contest an appeal to the 'sentences in parentheses'--it is bugging me, really. I'm trying to make a point here. (Make it quick, will yah?! Some people have lives here.)

Anyway, my point is...
Life is not all about fun and games... (blah, blah, blah... quit with the cliches, it's soooo last century)

...
...
...

(Okay, do it your way... Can't take a joke, can yah? Anyway, what this person's trying to say-- I had to read everything-- is try opening up your mind to other things, it makes life more fun to be in. Just think once in a while. Try to sit down, bore yourself intentionally, and think-- who knows, you might come up with the next 'billionaire idea.' Our slogan for the day: Just Think.)



...crap.
OUST THE 'SENTENCE IN PARENTHESES'

(HAHA. YOU WISH.)

The Act of Thinking in this Unthinkable World --or vice versa.

"Okay, who HASN'T heard about the word 'determinism'? Mi Cherie, what is determinism?" -philosophy teacher

Determinism is-- oh, in math, you mean? Well, it's about knowing the missing variables, so that you could, like, get the answers...

Teacher: ...not in Math terms...

Oh, not in Math terms... well, then, determinism is knowing what will happen...to...your...like...life...

Teacher: Okay, so what does the '-ism' mean?

The '-ism'? I don't know what the ism means...

Teacher: Okay. *shifts--seemingly exasperated*

My thoughts: Great...

What is determinism?

I D-O-N-'-T know.

How should I know? English isn't even my primary language. Why keep on calling me?! (Not that I mind... at least I know that I'm going to pass my participation grade) Point is...

Determinism is apparently indeterminable...

Science is awesome. Physics is great. Math is like--science. They're both major subjects in, like, anything... (OK, that didn't make sense.)


Let's see what I learned today. I learned that some philosophers such as Descartes and some underground man...what's his name... Dostoevsky?... I think that's his name (Please don't tell on me to the-- uhmn... just, please don't tell on me...)

Anyway, lessee... where was I... oh yeah... I learned that some philosophers such as Descartes and some underground man -- bzzzzzttttt... *fast forward*

***
***
***
***
make a wish
***
***
***

... in the end, we all have our thoughts to ourselves.

THE END.

(whoops... rewind...)

...and Dostoevsky think OR [might have] implied that determinism hinders a human being's freedom of thought.
See, if everything in the world is predetermined and every one of us have our own genes or what-not that determines who we are in the end then that means that no matter how hard we try to 'make better' of our lives, we just can't do it.

Why?

Because there is something called the 'law of nature' that is just 'unstoppable,' or some other term--I don't know... (like I said, English... is not my primary language, it is however, my FIRST language--it's different...i watched Sesame Street when I was a kid, OK.)

Anyway, the law of nature is some kind of general law--like gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 or something like that--and that we could not change...
Well, yeah, that made sense. You can't change some specifics such as 3.14159265... is a pi. Or, a square has 4 sides, and a triangle has 3. A straight line has 180-degree angle--and 2x2 is four. You also can't change the fact that when you have 4 apples and gave away 3, you only have 1 left (unless, of course, they realized that they were plastic, and gave it back to you--then you'll still have 4).

My point is that there are things that you cannot change, and those are facts. That's why we have exams about stuff like science and math. It's because these facts would go on and on, unless some genius would like to prove otherwise, which I highly doubt because there's always another genius who would counter that "some genius"--then it will all go into a big debate that might even create a war of the science world...then where would we all be?

However, there ARE things that we CAN change, and these are OURSELVES. Our decisions in life don't always have to be based on facts. Our decisions in life are helped by facts, not the other way around. We aren't robots that are programmed to think only specifically. We, ourselves, are independent beings that can make the world a better place, if we make it. We have our ideas, don't we? Then let's work on that. Let's start on something simple. Let's change something. Let's make things better. Who wants to join me?

Now?

No! Uhmn, you know what, I'm kinda busy. I have a lot of things to do-- you know-- Life intervenes... School work, and stuff.. Sorry... Uhmn, I'll probably catch up with you later. You just go ahead.

I just wanted to say that in the end, we all have our thoughts to ourselves.

THE END

(when the philosophy teacher was asked what the meaning of 'determinism' is, apparently, he doesn't know THE DEFINITE meaning of it... oh well, then it was probably justifiable of me to stutter-- and rack my brain for an answer after all. Schnoff hagen!)

Topic: Acting (literally non-profit and non informational)

Warning: Contents are non informational and can make you even dumber than before you read it. The author will not apologize for that and will refuse to pay a fine.

Proposal: Acting.

Interview:

1. Can you act?

Yes, I definitely can.

2. If that is so, then what acting experiences have you, well, experienced?

Well, I have been casted as one of the little children in the play "The King and I"--my line was, wait, I'm trying to remember... oh, I think it was something like this... hmn, no it wasn't that, I was a child, I couldn't have said such thing... Oh! Oh! I know! I know! It was-- "I believe in snow." Yup, that was it, dang! I had a hard time memorizing that line. Woohhh~

3. Okay... So, are there OTHER acting experiences that you may have had? Anything at all other than... that?

Hmn, you really, really have tough questions... *laughs nervously*. Let me see... Oh, I told my mom that I was going to my classmate's house to do a project, but I went to another friend's house and we partied. When I went home, my mom didn't have any idea that I really didn't do THE project...

4. Okay, okay... that's not acting...

Oh, so uhmn... Let's see... Hey, just so you know, that was really an effort of an act... but, oh well. Oh, I know! I went to buy tickets for the bus one time, and I tried on a British accent... you know, like the ones they use in Harry Potter. Oh, gee, they're really good with "speaking British," they should win like-- all the awards! I mean, come on! It's so hard to do a British accent.

5. Okay, that's enough. By the way, the cast of Harry Potter are British.

Oh... I know that... but, it's neat! They're British, AND they can do a British accent. How cool is that??

6. Good bye.

Bye... Oh, hey, can you tell me where the restrooms are? Your building is waaaay huge... I could get lost here...

7. ...

Ohhhhh... I get it. I won't tell.

*walking, walking, walking, stops...turns back around...* Hey, maybe you should like, put a map somewhere... it would be more embarrassing if you really need to go to the bathroom... I mean, you work here. I think you should suggest that, but jokingly. So, you know, they won't figure that you don't know where the bathroom is...

8. GUARD!

----------------------------------------

So maybe I haven't had any really big acting experiences in my life, but I do know that I can act. Only time can tell when I could have my debut.

First Entry - Nth Blog

OK, let me introduce myself. I am someone you don't know-- someone who wrote this blog out of --say... boredom? Hey, wait, my semester isn't even over yet...

Well, let's just say that my creative juices are kinda boiling over (or maybe it's because it's rotting--and the bubbles say a lot, who knows?). Let's see...

H.T.M.Y.T.U. - that's the name of my organization.

Kidding. That's just the name of the blog.

It does mean SOMETHING though. Hmn, can you guess what?

Duh, It means... Hey There, my Yoda, Thank U... nope.

Haha Tell My Yaya To Undress... nasty!

Hack Till Miss Yesterday Tells Us... no, no, no... doesn't even make sense.

It's, of course, "How To Make Your Time Useful"... hahahahaha!! now that's funny, good job! Now, what does HTMYTU really mean seriously?

Uhmn... I just said it...

You're kidding?

No.

Oh. Okay. Then... uhmn... nice... name. Hehe. Go on.

Well, anyway... This entry is mostly about the introduction to this blog of mine...
It's about free writing and art... although there are a lot of better sites out there that REALLY mean business, mine is just a "dump for my thoughts" about MY unique creativity. OR something else.

So, let's just move on, and I'll probably write again some other time (or probably 5 minutes later...who knows?), see you then!

This Crappiness isn't Worth the Clean

I dreamed a dream that life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what is seems
Now life has killed that dream I dream

-Les Miserables, "I Dreamed a Dream" last stanza.

So, maybe this is true...

So maybe this "hell" that I'm living now isn't what I dreamt of. I dreamt of friends, family, and a fun life.

...

Wait... (hahahahahaha!) That isn't a dream... That is my past...

I HAD friends who were always within reach...
I HAVE and HAD a family-- blood-related and not.
I HAD a fun life, which, of course, I had access to any time of any given day...

I WAS a person of color. Now, I'm just a person.

Now, I have a cause! But, now, I feel like crap. Why? Because every time I try NOT to feel like crap, SOMEONE just makes me feel-- different, ostracized, irrelevant, weird, odd, not-worth-talking-to, ... crappy.

[Insert Name] should just stop... Why? Because, he's wasting all my heartaches... He's not even worth the sadness. I don't even know him that much... He's just a friggin' [Insert Occupation] who I see every time I go to the [Insert Name of Place]. I can't help it, I work there, and he's my superior...

All I did was just talk to him and tried to be happy... and tried to make his seriousness go away.

I guess it wasn't worth it.

I'm not Pollyanna after all. :(

-mi cherie

Count On Me...

After months and months and months of ignoring this blog...I'm back...

"Count on me through thick and thin / A friendship that will never end / When you are weak I will be strong / Helping you to carry on / Call on me I will be there / Don't be afraid / Please believe in me when I say... Count on... " - Count On Me chorus by Whitney and Cece.

So, I dedicate this song to one of my guy friends... I was supposed to dedicate this song to two of them, but when I told the other one that I dedicated this song also to someone else, he didn't like it, he wanted a different one for him and him only... (Okay, I get it...)

As I read my prior entries, aside from the small glitches and grammar errors, I think I'd been too depressed about things in the past... Well, I'm not right now... I'm well and over the fact that things were a little different then... I'm embracing all the good stuff right now. I just miss my friends a little, but singing does the thing-- especially when I reach my high notes without choking.

Before I end (this won't be a long entry), I just want to say I got the song from one of my closest girl friends in college... she sings really good! I love her voice. She sang the song for me because we were in a little part in school where the reverberation was great, so we didn't need a mic or anything to get our voices out. I think she did well. Anyway...

I think it's time to end this...

All I wanted to say to my best guy friend... my wackiest and most outgoing guy friend ever, who was willing to risk manhood and maturity for petty and silly things that we did before. My stress relief and cause of stress at the same time, and my happy spot-- is all said in the words of the song... Count On Me.

I'm happy for him and I wish him well...


-mi cherie

one last cry -- the blog

"My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on a shelf..." -One Last Cry Brian McKnight

Things can change in a second, a moment, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year -- in a lifetime, everything can change. How many times have you worried that things will somehow end eventually? Maybe sooner, maybe later? I never did. But nevertheless, it still changed -- and ended.

Whenever we tell stories to our friends, our acquaintances, or maybe even our families about our past, our ups or our downs, our weird hair or weird habits -- our firsts, most of us unconsciously think (or even comment loudly) -- "those were the happy times" or "those were the days" or "if only we could turn back time" ... then silence comes.

Some of us may regret some things in our lives yet say, "I never regretted a thing." Some of us experienced the happiest moments of our lives with some people or just an event but say, "I should have never done that" or "I'm glad he/she and I ended it." Regrets or no regrets, we all know that at that moment, at that point in time, life was good, life was bad, we felt good, we felt bad... yet no matter how good or bad it was, we changed. Things change.

The stone I threw before, the one I thought I let go of, that was just the beginning, I still knew where it was... I threw it in the waters, but I marked the spot, and I watched someone get it without even yelling, "HEY! THAT'S MINE!" Nope. I just let the person get it. I let it be. I chose to let it be, yet I still feel sad about it. I still am questioning myself if I regret it or not. It "is" very confusing, but in time, I suppose that "is" will somehow become "was", and somehow I hope that it will become that soon. Soon.

I can't say that I haven't moved on. I have. I have moved on completely. I don't feel sad, I don't feel any down feelings at all. It's just that as of now, it's still my source of inspiration in everything that I write. I can't let go yet. Not as long as I still can't figure out what to write next other than that. If I close this entry, it's like closing that chapter, and moving forward to another. It's like closing high school and starting on to college. It's like leaving something completely without any possibility of going back. So I want to close this chapter like I would say my last speech to something I've been in for most of my life. I would like to close this chapter with a mark that says, "I'll be happy, I'll write again, and you'll read all about it." I always believe that although what you see is dried, dull, dead land, there's always a better somewhere, just try to walk a different way, and move to the greener grass.

So maybe my dreams aren't completely shattered. It just broke, and there's always glue, a very strong glue that can put back all the pieces, and make it a better one. I'll be the person that I should be, but before all of it-- just let me have this one last cry one more time, and I'll wipe it all off, and dream again. I promise.

-mi cherie

Life at the Sidelines

Being able to express one's feelings without exposing every bit of it is a hard task. Realizing the ups and downs of this 'weirdness', I began to succumb to it. I mean, it isn't that of a big deal anyway.
Many years have passed since I had my eyes set on that 'person'. I've done the first task of being somewhat involved with that person, and no -- not that kind of involvement. I became that person's 'person'. I became a best friend. I became involved somehow in a small percentage in that person's life. I rode that coaster for many years hoping that I could become the special person that person dreams of being with. Sadly, not everything worked hard for can be obtained. I became used to being a best friend, and now, I think it is much better being the best friend than being the special person. Who else could one open up to when the special person is not there -- or the special person is the reason of the dilemma? -- ten ten!! the best friend.

Of course I have no regrets. I give the best advices that I could come up with. Advices that could benefit for the betterment and happiness of all parties involved. There were days that I pushed myself to being that person's person even though there is a person designated to that person already. Things change drastically over time. I got the position, and you could say that I did it for myself. I fed my selfishness, but now, I paid my debt to my conscience and set aside my own selfishness for the happiness of others. As for my desire-- well, I believe in destiny...

--nothing follows---

if snowflakes come at summer...

if i were a star that shines brightly in the evening...
would i be noticed by all?

if i were a snowflake that came at the summer, will you be the one who'll catch me
when i fall?

will you be there at times no one expected me to come?

will you be my knight in shining armor, when i'll be just a commoner?

will you be my best friend when i won't have any friend at all?

will you be my C's among all the D's?

will you be the right of every wrong?

will you be there...

...waiting...

... just waiting, for every promise I make, for every word that I say, for every deadline that I miss, will you just be there, and wait anyway?

will you worry when I get lost?

will you try to help me when I'm confused?

will you give me water, when drought comes?

I doubt it.

But, I'll hope anyways...

...I'll hope for that change to come, I'll wait even if you don't.

I'll wait anyways. Why?

Because there's nothing more one could ask for than for someone just waiting-- even if they don't say it.

sand in a jar. .

Memories I keep remain kept. All these memories are like sand in a jar. Every step I take when I walk on the seashore too near toward the waters represent another step I take in life. I am nothing more than just imagination, but these feelings I have are more than real.



It's been what? More than a year since I had someone who confessed his feelings to "me". He's a rock I never thought I'd ever own. He was a boulder too big and too heavy to carry. He was someone I thought I'd ignore and just pass by. Now, he's a rock within reach, a rock that I could own whenever I want. A boulder turned into a light pillow. A big heavy object turned into pieces, as small as a rock. His thoughts and feelings, I know. He tells me everything. It seems that every thing he tells me becomes a part of me. It's like a little substance -- like a very little mineral or a crystal of sand. Every little substance is kept in my jar. This jar of mine is half full. Every time he fills my jar, I become softer. I promised myself not to become soft. I promised myself to throw all the rocks that come my way into the sea because it is where it should belong. Where it all belongs.



Am I changing? I can't be. I stand firm to the ground I stand on-- always. If I do get weak, and he catches me, will I accept him and be willing to forget every rock I had? Am I really ready to make him my only rock? Is he even worth it? He won't hurt me, I'm sure of that, but will I not be able to hurt him? I may be strong and firm (and so I think I was), but I have been very indecisive ever since. Will I risk everything just to be happy for a very short time, and hurt someone special for a long time?

-mi cherie (originally written 03/2008)

teardrops are liquid

"he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar" - Taylor Swift "Teardrops On My Guitar"

I've always had a friend. I once had a very close guy friend. Well, I made him that. It was almost forced, but it worked out anyway. It worked out in a way that we weren't more than just close friends. I hoped it would be, but it never did. Happiness is about being content, and I think it was better off being just that than the other way around. At least I'm near him, and I could be near him as long as I want to.

There are disadvantages and advantages for being just the close friend. I could be near him, talk to him about random things, share with him some bizarre and very nonsensical stories, tell him my secrets and would not be awkward about it, and a lot more. The only thing that I couldn't do is tell him what I feel, and isn't that what hurts the most? Not telling a close friend what I feel is like a never-ending flame-- everytime you see that person, it sparks back and seems to burn you heart bit by bit until you couldn't feel anything anymore. I know it's a bit brutal, but isn't it something like that? Does anyone know how this feels? Can anyone relate to what I felt?

Well, there was a time when I tried to stop that flame. I told him once, but jokingly. I wondered if he believed me. I was nervous at that time, but I just wanted it to be over with. I thought things would go a little bit roughly, and that I would risk a friendship that lasted for years yet seemed less like it, but things went a bit differently. He just stood there, listened then smiled, and said, "I know." I thought we understood each other. We continued on with our lives being friends. I thought I had what I've been thinking of for many nights. One day came after the other. He still stayed the same, nothing changed. Then he said to me, "I know you like me, well, you should, that's what every girl says." I didn't know what to say. Was I like the others? Was I one of them? Was I just like every other girl he knew? I didn't want to ask another question. I am like the others. I'm just another girl he knew. I am one of them.

Teardrops when mixed with water, are just the same matter. Teardrops are liquid. Just liquid.

-mi cherie

my reaSon for existing...

existence means being present, being there...
i exist because i am created by thought.

I live by the words that reveal the true meaning of one's life, one's feelings, one's story. I am real in a sense that I survive through one's thoughts. I tell the story of a unique individual, that is why I exist. I love and have loved, and love is something vast and complicated. Love comes and goes, but the thought is what remains.

Have you read the "Little Prince" by Antoine Saint-Exupery? It is a wonderful book. It's meaning is very enlightening. It's rather heart-breaking at times, but the thought of love is still there. The delicate rose still lives for the young prince. I could be either the prince or the rose. I could be one or the other, or even both. I live because I love. I always thought that I have lived a thousand lives, and yet in every life I lived, I still got hurt. I don't think the hurt in loving ever goes away, but I never stop loving. I tried to, but it still does not make the hurt go away.

It's not always hurt that you will feel when you love. I loved a hundred times before. I loved and still love everyone around me. I love the flowers, who are my friends by the way, they never leave me during the springtime yet they sleep during the winter. I love the sun, he is always there when I am awake, and waits for me when I am asleep. The moon is there to watch me everytime I close my eyes, making sure there is light when I suddenly wake. The stars, I won't forget, are with the moon at night never failing to make me smile. Ah! I love them all! The trees, the birds, the sand, the squirrels, the rocks, the shadows, I love every one of them. Even the newcomers to the world I always knew of, the cars, the posts, the buildings, skyscrapers, even the coins and cups-- I still welcome them. Even though they hurt me, I still fail to hurt them back.

But, not only do I love them. No. I love other things as well, I love other people as well. I once had a rose of my own-- or shall I say, a rock of my own. Yes, he was the softest rock I have ever owned. I loved him so much, but not enough to repay his love for me then. I threw the rock away to the sea, because by that I would have let him be free. I knew he would be happy when someone would find him and pick him up and love him more than I did. I thought what I did was right, but boy, was I wrong! Now, I don't own him anymore. Now he is just like any other rock I see randomly. I want to know what he thinks or what he feels, but I just can't do that anymore. He's out of my reach, I guess. I hurt a lot for so long that it seemed like ages, but now I'm happy because I still love despite of that. I can still smile knowing that I still have the sun, the moon, the stars, the flowers, the mountains, and everything around me. I learned, yes I did, but it doesn't mean that I learned to hate. No! I don't want to hate. Hate is such a strong word. I just learned to still love despite of getting hurt. So now, no matter how many rocks are thrown to me, how many times I get hurt by them rocks, I would not budge, I will still stay firm on my word--that I will still love the way I do, and set free of the rocks the way I did.

-mi cherie