sand in a jar. .

Memories I keep remain kept. All these memories are like sand in a jar. Every step I take when I walk on the seashore too near toward the waters represent another step I take in life. I am nothing more than just imagination, but these feelings I have are more than real.



It's been what? More than a year since I had someone who confessed his feelings to "me". He's a rock I never thought I'd ever own. He was a boulder too big and too heavy to carry. He was someone I thought I'd ignore and just pass by. Now, he's a rock within reach, a rock that I could own whenever I want. A boulder turned into a light pillow. A big heavy object turned into pieces, as small as a rock. His thoughts and feelings, I know. He tells me everything. It seems that every thing he tells me becomes a part of me. It's like a little substance -- like a very little mineral or a crystal of sand. Every little substance is kept in my jar. This jar of mine is half full. Every time he fills my jar, I become softer. I promised myself not to become soft. I promised myself to throw all the rocks that come my way into the sea because it is where it should belong. Where it all belongs.



Am I changing? I can't be. I stand firm to the ground I stand on-- always. If I do get weak, and he catches me, will I accept him and be willing to forget every rock I had? Am I really ready to make him my only rock? Is he even worth it? He won't hurt me, I'm sure of that, but will I not be able to hurt him? I may be strong and firm (and so I think I was), but I have been very indecisive ever since. Will I risk everything just to be happy for a very short time, and hurt someone special for a long time?

-mi cherie (originally written 03/2008)