"My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on a shelf..." -One Last Cry Brian McKnight
Things can change in a second, a moment, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year -- in a lifetime, everything can change. How many times have you worried that things will somehow end eventually? Maybe sooner, maybe later? I never did. But nevertheless, it still changed -- and ended.
Whenever we tell stories to our friends, our acquaintances, or maybe even our families about our past, our ups or our downs, our weird hair or weird habits -- our firsts, most of us unconsciously think (or even comment loudly) -- "those were the happy times" or "those were the days" or "if only we could turn back time" ... then silence comes.
Some of us may regret some things in our lives yet say, "I never regretted a thing." Some of us experienced the happiest moments of our lives with some people or just an event but say, "I should have never done that" or "I'm glad he/she and I ended it." Regrets or no regrets, we all know that at that moment, at that point in time, life was good, life was bad, we felt good, we felt bad... yet no matter how good or bad it was, we changed. Things change.
The stone I threw before, the one I thought I let go of, that was just the beginning, I still knew where it was... I threw it in the waters, but I marked the spot, and I watched someone get it without even yelling, "HEY! THAT'S MINE!" Nope. I just let the person get it. I let it be. I chose to let it be, yet I still feel sad about it. I still am questioning myself if I regret it or not. It "is" very confusing, but in time, I suppose that "is" will somehow become "was", and somehow I hope that it will become that soon. Soon.
I can't say that I haven't moved on. I have. I have moved on completely. I don't feel sad, I don't feel any down feelings at all. It's just that as of now, it's still my source of inspiration in everything that I write. I can't let go yet. Not as long as I still can't figure out what to write next other than that. If I close this entry, it's like closing that chapter, and moving forward to another. It's like closing high school and starting on to college. It's like leaving something completely without any possibility of going back. So I want to close this chapter like I would say my last speech to something I've been in for most of my life. I would like to close this chapter with a mark that says, "I'll be happy, I'll write again, and you'll read all about it." I always believe that although what you see is dried, dull, dead land, there's always a better somewhere, just try to walk a different way, and move to the greener grass.
So maybe my dreams aren't completely shattered. It just broke, and there's always glue, a very strong glue that can put back all the pieces, and make it a better one. I'll be the person that I should be, but before all of it-- just let me have this one last cry one more time, and I'll wipe it all off, and dream again. I promise.
-mi cherie
