My Road to Further Reflection

These past few days, I've been thinking about life in general: like, what I want to do after undergrad, what I need to prepare for, what path do I need to take, etc.

Some people tell me that they just go with the flow, and that it is not something that I should worry about or think too much about. I agree with them. However, as time goes by, there are things that I need to figure out soon such as: should I take the GREs (Graduate Record Examinations)? Should I take the CPA exams? Should I suck up to the professors whom I am sure I can get very good recommendation letters from? Or, should I just wait until after I graduate?

Obviously, option 3 is not really at my best interest. Option 1, however, is an option that I would like to look into. Maybe I should start studying for the GREs. GREs are standardized tests that are often required by graduate schools. In my case, I do not intend to go into an MBA (since I am a business major in accounting) or get a CPA license right after college because one, I do not have much experience in the business world, and my chance for internship-hunting days are almost over; two, I don't think I'd like to stay in that field for long. I decided recently that I want to be a doctor and physically help people.

Of course, I have to get my undergrad grades as high as I can manage. Aside from that, I have to get my GRE scores to the maximum. Well, maybe not to the maximum, but high enough to get me into a good post-bacc pre-med program. My dilemma is that I have NO experience in the health field at all, but I am hoping to get some when I get into the post-bacc program. My thinking is that it is supposed to be where I build my foundation.

So, that's what I've been doing for the past few days: researching on how to change gears from accounting to medicine, looking for good post-bacc pre-med programs, reading discussion boards, working at the library, doing my philosophy homework, and learning about the GRE.

Alls I can say is: not bad for a summer soul-searchin'

Revelation

"Bakit mo ba kasi sinasara mo sarili mo saken?" -A friend asked me not too long ago.

The question obviously struck me. Actually, I couldn't really answer the question in concrete terms. Siguro puro blahs na lang yung nasabi ko--with no sign of intelligence whatsoever. I couldn't tell what he was thinking at that time. I kept asking him, but he never gave me an answer himself.

It's weird to be asked a question like that.

Hindi ko lang naman sinasara sarili ko sa kanya alone. Sinasara ko sarili ko sa mga guy friends in general. I can't love them more than just friends. I'm not a person who is capable of loving--hindi ako capable of kilig moments.

I don't like getting hurt emotionally, and the easiest way for me to avoid pain is to either deflect it or to protect myself entirely.

Hindi naman masamang idea, I don't think.

It's not their problem. It's mine.

What I'm doing is not only to protect myself, anyway; it's also to protect them, and to protect the friendship.

'Yun lang. :)

...entry coming up...

soon

Tired of editing

For the past few days (or weeks for that matter), I have been neglecting to edit my entries. Actually, I usually try to edit my entries, but I realize na meron pa ring errors. So, I just ignore these errors completely.

Grammar and spelling errors piss me off, pero I find it very tedious to edit before posting--and especially after posting.

Ngayon, hindi na muna ako mag-eedit kasi tinatamad ako.

So, for updates...

May full-time job ako from May 17-June 30. Woo-hoo! :) After nun, well... obviously, wala nanaman. Haha. Pero, at least, merong part-time. Ok na yun.

What if I never find myself again?

What if love would never ever show up?

What if I would never look at things the way they are anymore?

What if I'm just paranoid? Crazy? Overachieving? Boring?

These are things that I think about sometimes. It really is driving me crazy, if I'm not already.

I just feel that I'm doing everything right, yet it just all feel so wrong. I'm still totally confused on what my life is all about.
I feel that there is something that I really need to do, but haven't thought of doing it yet.

I feel that every day, drastic changes have been happening, but I'm just too blind and too slow to see it. I feel that I really am a procrastinator, and that there is no cure for it.
I feel unloved, but, really, there are many people around who love me--or at least they tell it out loud.
I feel that I shouldn't care, but I do.

I feel that I am different--but I don't want to be.
I don't want to be like everyone else, but I just said a completely different thing.

I am confused, obviously.

And I clearly don't know how to end this.