Moving On

Today I propose a start of a long program. Moving on.

It's time for me to get out of the shadows I've been lurking in and try to stand on my own. I find that it isn't worth it anymore. I know that being in someone else's shadow is a choice. However, I've always been good at being unconditionally supportive at the sidelines watching someone else grow - it's not a first for me, and knowing myself, it wouldn't be the last. I have no regrets, though. No regrets that I have cared unconditionally. However, I can only take so much.

I have cared for a person for 6 years - unconditionally. It's not what you think. It's nothing romantic. It's sibling love. I should say that I have so many other friends whom I think of as my siblings. I should also say that I take more care of my brothers than I would of my sisters - just because I don't have real, biological brothers - and I think that females are stronger than males in so many ways. I'm not sexist, I'm just basing it from experience.

Now that I know that things went downhill between me and that person, I moved on without even planning it. Just all of a sudden - we stopped talking. And, all of a sudden, it doesn't really matter to me. You probably wonder why I haven't done anything. Maybe it's pride. Or maybe my fuse finally burned out and I just don't have the desire to replace it. I feel that I've fought hard enough. Friendship and relationships are to be worked on - but it shouldn't take a lot if both parties fight for it - it shouldn't take a lot if both parties commit to it. Clearly, I committed more than I should, and now that I'm not carrying the weight of it, I'm watching the wind blow it away. Sadly, I don't really feel bad about it and I'm glad it's over.

That took 6 years of pure, unconditional sibling love. This time, it's different. It's much shorter. It shouldn't be as difficult. Everyone has been against it, anyway. It wasn't strong enough. I tried. I don't want to regret it. Ever. I don't want to regret anything. Ever. I do believe it was jinxed, but that's a whole different story. Look, I give my all into something even if people tell me not to. I am not regretting that I have, though. I will never regret that I have.

Now all I gots to do is slowly pull myself away. Since this person is not trusting me - I have not reason to trust him as well. I know I'm being stubborn and it is being seemingly a conditional relationship... but I have reasons. And I could never enter something conditional. I can't be childish forever.

...People, I act childish because I find it funny. I am a funny person, but if you base everything about me because of that - our relationship will not go beyond acquaintance and shallow friendship. That's all I can say for now. I gotta go.

Mabelle

Getting Sick pt 2 -- another vent edition

Honestly, I am too worked up to even vent in detail.

All I know is that my patience can only go so far. I am moving on.

Sorry in advance,

Mabelle

2014 plan

1. Go to AFRICA or EUROPE - w/ever comes first

Re-vamping postponed

Note to self: re-vamping postponed due to priorities.

1. August 16 - we passed US citizenship exam (parents and me)

2. August 27 - oath-taking to officially become a US citizen

---

1. August 17 - got surprised by person and first time to bowl

2. August 16 - got drunk for the first time (never gonna happen again)

Getting SICK -- (vent edition)

Sometimes people can really test your patience to the limit.

I am usually a very patient and tolerant person. Maybe things changed. Or maybe someone just decided to poke me until I burst.

But, anyway, it is hard for me to let some things go. Again -- ASSUMPTIONS -- please do not assume anything about me. I am not that predictable. I am not that transparent. Maybe it's only recently that I decided to try and grow up. But that 'recently' is something that I seriously think about.

Predictable Maria is now old. I am not going to be that anymore. I am determined to change for the better.

I am determined to-try and grow up-like I've been saying.

And, I am not very patient with people who THINK they know my every move.

Look - if you have an idea of happiness or a perspective of whatever concept. Sure. Live it your way, but do not try to tell me what it is when I do not remember asking... or when it is clearly not part of the topic.

I am not all naive and in la-la land all the time. I have moments, too. I am friggin 22 years old, not 13 and happily innocent.  I have issues now. I get mad. I curse. I need constant stress relief. I have feelings now, thank you very much.

Okay, so now... just please don't label me or try to figure me out. I haven't figured myself out just yet... and it gets frustrating when other people know me better than I do. Or at least ASSUME that they do. It is not fun to be left behind from all this exciting explorations. It really is.

Anyway, please give me this time to just not act nice or be nice. I am tougher than most people think. Just give me a chance to prove it.

Thanks,

M.

Burnt Out (maybe)

Today I really had that strong feeling of need to take a break from my duties and responsibilities.

Since I can't really take a long vacation (3 months) from work, I'm just going to pretend that I am on a vacation. If only this is possible and if only my mind and body could help me out with the 'discipline' area of things...

Anyhoot - right now I just really wanna take a break from cantoring... I am kind of feeling burnt out and tired from all the music that I could barely process reading the notes. I am, in the first place, not a musical person.

This no-break nonsense is not making me a happy camper.

Anyway,

Whatever...

I'll figure something out.


Love to the nth,

Mabelle

Remembering the old...

HTMYTU - A Registered Incorporated Piracy

HTMYTU is an acronym for "how to make your time useful." Please feel free to follow my attempt to kill boredom. Thanks! (Note: This blog does not contain tips on how to kill boredom, but it may or may not make your day. Either way, enjoy!)

Just thought of posting this since it probably will be one of the things that will change in this blog. Same acronym. Probably a different concept. Not that this blog had a fixed concept. Just covering all my bases. 

xoxo,

Mabelle

REVAMPING NOTICE

Re-vamping of this blog will commence in a few days or weeks. A new concept. A new me.

When you realize that time is uncontrollably fast and fate is too unpredictable... random ideas come to mind and sometimes you just feel the need to just do it.

xoxo,

Mabelle

As time goes by swiftly...

Sadly, I could not think of anything interesting to write about...

I've had so many issues these past couple of months that aren't even mine to start with.

I've tried to resolve them, but I don't think I, as a person, physically can. I think the healing really is up to fate and time. That didn't come from me, though. Not taking credit for the words of wisdom.

Okay, so my issue is about growing up. I need to grow up-- NOT PHYSICALLY-- like all my smart-aleck friends would say. I need to grow up mentally and emotionally. I'm 22 and I act like a 10-year-old. I probably think like it, too. I say probably because I have no control of my mind whatsoever. My mind does whatever it sees obnoxious.

So far, my friends are sticking around, but I do not know how long it will take before they all realize that it's getting kind of old.

I'll try to control myself. It's a challenge that I am willing to take on.

But, that being said, I will always keep the fun side of me. Delirious Maria will be less childish when it comes to decision-making, planning, and communicating, but will still be the same crazy, random.

If you think I wouldn't be able to pull off. Think again. You never know-- many people DO underestimate me... 😋

Once you put your heart into doing something-- wonders can be made. It's never too late to try again...or to discover things worth exploring.

Beautiful hearts make beautiful souls.

A very special SHOUT-OUT to ze "special" birthday boy

"My Norbit is always telling me there's two kinds of women: big old good ones and good old big ones." -You know where this is from, don't lie.

HTMYTU/MHABYPRODUCTIONS

presents

STARBUCKS CRAZIES

featuring

ANDREW

December 14, 2011
Christmas Party in the Basement

August 09, 2012

Someone just turned 22 today. 

---

... I could have actually ended my entry right there, but if you have been reading my past entries, you'd know it's not possible ;-)

My best guy turned 22 today. By this time, I'm guessing that I would probably have not seen him in a while, if not, then haha I lied.

(See, you have to understand that I made this entry way in advance.)

Okay, where to start... oh gosh, I have lots of things that I could probably say in this entry, but I won't because he knows them already. So, maybe a simple...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRAZZLE'S DAD!!!

...would be enough, wouldn't it? :-)

Oh well, that's it for now. 

[the pic sucks for me, but hey... it's all I have :( ]

exes and ohs,

Mabelle

The things you do for a pack of gum

There are little things in life that may matter more to you than to other people.

I have my little quirks and little priceless moments that I long for every now and then...
I give value to the things that cannot be seen, but rather felt...
A celebration that comes once a year is a celebration worth a thousand times over--

It's always been my most important thing... to be special for that one day...
When it does happen, I am grateful, when it does not then the world seems to fall on top of me that I cannot dodge.

I speak this in tongues since I do not want to be known. For if I am known, then I have nothing more to keep.
I be not myself because I know it is not the right hand. I will uncover what is left... when I find peace. But for now, trust is a virtue and patience is a challenge. I need to overcome. A birth is a celebration worth celebrating a thousand times over.

-22-

Board Games Galore

So I just had a sudden craving for board games after my mom and I went to Target. Pretty cool. I'll make a follow-up entry about the board games I bought: Quelf, What?, and I've Never...

Still contemplating about Dirty Minds.

Will let you know. Should be fun.

I'll probably add a photo, too...
Just give me some time I guess.

My wish to the winds... please make time move slower

Today was an interesting day.

Aside from it being a Saturday, I was not expecting to go to the viewing of my co-worker. I already planned not to go, but because of the last-minute insisting of my momma, I was able to. I did not regret it. Thanks, mom :)

I studied and did some laundry, also was happy enough to make breakfast today... etc, etc...

I just received the thank-you cards from Rachael and Andrew (lol, ok so I mentioned names, whatever). Both cards were very sweet. I was expecting a standard 'hey, thanks for coming, I appreciate it'-kinda thing, but those kids surprise me a lot.

Anyway, I had fun studying, if only I had more hours in a day, I'd be ultra, mega, super-kaduper happy. But, you know, life doesn't work that way. A MacBook Pro is a good way to make up for it though.

Take that, LIFE! Haha, no offense. You know I love you sometimes.

:-)

Risks = Investments

Sometimes you will come across a big puddle that will have nowhere around--if you have to cross, you have to cross.

I don't think my intro has anything to do with me buying a MacBook. Lol.
I could have gone another route... say... not getting one at all because 1. it's too pricey 2. I could honestly live without it (life less fun, but still alive) 3. I probably could have waited longer.

But hey! I took the risk now-- ironically on a Friday the 13th. So far, in just 12 hours of having it, I have no regrets at all. Except I guess for not having this little application called iMessage, which I'm pretty disappointed about... I'd have to wait for a new OS to come, which has not been tested yet, and I have no guarantee that I would be able to install it for the life of me, but again, that's what taking risks are for, right? haha. Just saying.

Anyway, I gotta go study. See y'all later.

xoxo,

Mabelle

Assumptions don't do you any good

4th of July.

Take note. No work today. Too hot outside. And finally finished the final book of Harry Potter.

I did not cry. Like I did in Book 5 and almost did in Book 6.

Why? Because I just wanted to finish the darn book. But with all the twists and turns-- slowing down would have been a good idea.

I can't wait for Friday!! I can't! I can't!

---

Okay, so anyway, lemme tell you about my Monday :-)
I got lots of really cute surprises. My best bud (#2 friend lol lol) Andrew baked me a peanut-butter-banana cake topped with chocolate fudge frosting.

I also got a DVD, Karaoke CD, 1 giant eraser, tape dispenser, and 2 birthday cards-- one of them is where I got the "#2 friend, kidding" reference.

After work, was dinner and hang-out at our fave coffee/chill place. Two of my other great friends were there and we had a really silly, fun time. We were exhausted by the end. And I felt sorry for not bringing my own car. lol.

(just wanted to write this so I won't ever forget about it :-] )

---

My birthday wasn't as exciting, though. I did receive a most unexpected surprise that really lifted my spirits up-- FLOWERS from the boy who has always been there. Flowers, a balloon, and a teddy bear.
It was a nice surprise. I also got a balloon from my co-worker.
I got cranky by the end of the day still, though.

---

Two of my friends won awards from their conference. That lifted my spirits up as well.

---

As for the assumptions-- well... just wanted to let you know that it really doesn't do you any good.


Anyway,
that is it for now.

Love lots,

M

Blowing away the dried leaves

Fiction. It's what the truth turns out to be...

I need a new laptop-- one that NEVER overheats

M.

Because there is no way I would remember this

Okay, so I got time to think. Bad idea.

There are things that do not make sense to me. How can someone so supportive with almost everything his or her dear friends do (as long as it does not physically or emotionally hurt a person long-term) have so little support in return from the same friends?

I don't get it.

I've been told that I'm predictable and easy to know (ergo, entry below). I've also been told that I am too unpredictable and fickle-minded to understand. Doesn't that make me, in total, unpredictable?

Cutting to the chase, I don't think I'm that easy to know. I don't think any person is that easy to know. I used to say that I am an open book. But, really, I'm not. At least not anymore. I'm more of an unfinished continuously-revising book.

I found a happy place. Somewhere I could be at peace and be childish and be myself. I'm free to say whatever I want and do whatever I want. I've never had that before. I care about that happy place... so if that happy place chooses to vanish, I would let it go and hopefully find another happy place. I'm not saying it's easily replaceable, but I'm just saying, I care about it too much that I want it to be better for itself.

Now, intruding that happy place is a different story.


I choose not to finish this entry and just sleep on it,

Maria

Today change should be good...

If I should choose a metaphor to describe my life right now, I would choose an iPod shuffle. Every day is a different song played and not every message is well-represented.

That's my life right now.

I send and receive mixed signals. I tell people my different opinions that do not always mesh--I change my mind almost every second of every day. I kind of knew that I always have been indecisive, but the fickleness of my mind seems to be getting worse as I grow older. My theoretical reason is my youth and my immaturity--that I think is getting worse as well.

Look, I don't know what is happening to me exactly. Is there something that I need to prove?
Am I really that predictable?
I know that I still badly need to find myself and learn who I really am and what my purpose in life really is... but how can I do that when there are all these limitations?

I guess I'll just have to try harder.



...even my thoughts couldn't form a good ending... or a good entry.



I need change.


M

Feels dumb

#dumb #dumb #dumb

Swing!

I can't wait 'til I go back dancing on Saturday! I just can't waaaait!
I've skipped a week not dancing, and I didn't know that I would miss it this much.
I've been dancing East Coast Swing/Jitterbug and Lindy every week --and I also know West Coast Swing, which I have yet to dance socially for.

Anyway, I'm just excited to meet more people!

I wanna try to talk to people this time around. Just saying.

M

Is it fate?

So.. I thought to myself, he looked so familiar. I decided not to dress nicely or fix myself more than usual. We did not get a chance to talk, but judging by what people have been saying, we seem to have a lot in common. His sister sings, I sing. He plays golf, I live on a golf course. He's a finance major, I'm an accountant. He wants to be in banking, I am now in banking. His grandmother, my mentor.

I do not find him cute. He isn't my type either. I just like to analyze these things. And it's pretty weird how things turn out... but if this is fate... then bring it on.

Other than that, I think life is pretty good right now.


#I'mSingleandILikeIt

>^_^<

When you see yourself happy... finally... :)

Okay, so I cried.

But, for the first time in what seems like the LONGEST time-- it wasn't because I was sad... It was because when I looked in the mirror today-- I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time... ME. Happy. A genuinely happy me. Contentment... I saw contentment. I found myself again.

I've been praying for this in a long while and finally I got what I wanted... Myself.

It may seem ridiculous to you, but things changed, and suddenly I lost myself, and ever since I've been soul-searching, trying to find what I lost.

They say that when you die (or almost die), you would see your life flashing back at you. I had the same experience, except that this time, I was away from danger.

This is what happened:

Music was playing. I was dancing like the usual silly me. I looked in the mirror being silly and smiling like usual. Nothing extraordinary in the outside, but I just stopped-- looked at myself... smiled even more... and then for some unknown reason... I fell to my knees and cried-- I felt so relieved. I felt so renewed. I felt that everything that I've been carrying this whole time is gone. A huge flashback of me just being so hopeless and depressed came to me...

I remember not having anyone...
or anything that could make me happy.

But, as I stayed there in front of the mirror... I realized I have everything now. I have my friends-- my dearest friends. My friends who have been there during the lowest point of my life. Friends who've lent their shoulders, ears, and time to me... no matter how silly or how childish I got.

I have my family who have always been there.... even though they can get annoying and boring at the same time. My family who has been very patient with my attitude and stubbornness.

I have all I could ever ask for. And, finally, I see it now. I'm absolutely thankful that finally I got what I wished for-- Happiness.

Love to the nth,

Mhaby

My Goals for 2012

Okay, these are some of the goals that I have for the year:

1.)  DOG
2.) KAYAK
3.) WII
4.) CPA EXAM
5.) SOCIAL DANCING
6.) MO' Money (cause I'm broke)


--Mmmkay... this is all I got for now!

Ciao!

Love to the nth,

Maria

Day 9 - Letter to the person you would like to meet

"You are sunlight and I moon // Joined by the gods of fortune // Sharing the sky // We have been blessed you and I..."

Lea Salonga - the original Miss Saigon

Credits to broadwaystagedoor.blogspot.com.

She, like Sandra Oh, is one of the people I really admire. Not only is her smile amazing, but she has a beautiful voice, a beautiful soul, and a beautiful personality. She is also obviously very beautiful herself. 

She has taken on roles in Broadway for Miss Saigon and Les Miserables, and she has taken roles on screen both in Hollywood and the Pinilakang Tabing (Philippine's equivalent for Hollywood). She's versatile and clearly talented. Smart and spontaneous. I don't know what else to say, but I like her and I hope that someday I could play Kim in Miss Saigon-- if an opportunity comes up. Just not now... cause, I really don't have the time for it unfortunately :-(

So, here's my letter to the person I would like to someday meet and have an actual conversation with:

Credits to disney.wikia.com.

Dear Ms. Salonga,

I'm sorry I don't know your married name. You are amazing-- thank you for sharing your talent to the world and for being sooo good at it! I hope to be like you: humble, confident, beautiful, and witty. Please don't stop being who you are.

Sincerely,

Maria 

----

Short, but sweet.

This is all for now!!! 

Love to the nth,

Mabelle

Cheers to the New Year!

Good bye, 2011; Hello, 2012.

"GOOD RIDDANCE" < This was what I was going to entitle this entry as.

I haven't had a lot of time or desire to write in this blog in 2011. But, as tradition goes, the first entry of the year is sorta kinda gonna be a closure for the year that just passed and an introduction for the year that has just begun.

2011. Well, you very well know how this year went. I have nothing else to say. (If you don't know what I'm talking about-- it's all in the 19 entries that I have written for the year.)

2012. I have lots of hope for this year. This year should be great.

Anyway, that's as much as I could talk about for my entry... HAHA.

Oh fine--here are a few bits and pieces of me:

1.) Marc and Angel Hack Life -- A high school friend shared this link to me after we had a talk over Facebook, mostly about my rantings and craziness, just before the year ended. To my surprise, this blog actually helped me (by A LOT) get through the year. If you think about it, almost everything in this blog is common sense-- but it's also the most commonly forgotten food for thoughts. It makes you  think and appreciate life even more! Well, at least that's what it did to me. I highly recommend this.

2.) I'll be writing about 3 entries today (including this one) to jump start my 2012 blogging year.

3.) I might be getting a dog this year! Woo-hoo! :-) *fingers crossed*

4.) 2011 - I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube (thanks to my good friend, Melanie).

5.) Apparently, I'm Italian.


Okay! I think that's about it for now...

On to my next entry!

Love to the nth,

Mabelle