Moving On

Today I propose a start of a long program. Moving on.

It's time for me to get out of the shadows I've been lurking in and try to stand on my own. I find that it isn't worth it anymore. I know that being in someone else's shadow is a choice. However, I've always been good at being unconditionally supportive at the sidelines watching someone else grow - it's not a first for me, and knowing myself, it wouldn't be the last. I have no regrets, though. No regrets that I have cared unconditionally. However, I can only take so much.

I have cared for a person for 6 years - unconditionally. It's not what you think. It's nothing romantic. It's sibling love. I should say that I have so many other friends whom I think of as my siblings. I should also say that I take more care of my brothers than I would of my sisters - just because I don't have real, biological brothers - and I think that females are stronger than males in so many ways. I'm not sexist, I'm just basing it from experience.

Now that I know that things went downhill between me and that person, I moved on without even planning it. Just all of a sudden - we stopped talking. And, all of a sudden, it doesn't really matter to me. You probably wonder why I haven't done anything. Maybe it's pride. Or maybe my fuse finally burned out and I just don't have the desire to replace it. I feel that I've fought hard enough. Friendship and relationships are to be worked on - but it shouldn't take a lot if both parties fight for it - it shouldn't take a lot if both parties commit to it. Clearly, I committed more than I should, and now that I'm not carrying the weight of it, I'm watching the wind blow it away. Sadly, I don't really feel bad about it and I'm glad it's over.

That took 6 years of pure, unconditional sibling love. This time, it's different. It's much shorter. It shouldn't be as difficult. Everyone has been against it, anyway. It wasn't strong enough. I tried. I don't want to regret it. Ever. I don't want to regret anything. Ever. I do believe it was jinxed, but that's a whole different story. Look, I give my all into something even if people tell me not to. I am not regretting that I have, though. I will never regret that I have.

Now all I gots to do is slowly pull myself away. Since this person is not trusting me - I have not reason to trust him as well. I know I'm being stubborn and it is being seemingly a conditional relationship... but I have reasons. And I could never enter something conditional. I can't be childish forever.

...People, I act childish because I find it funny. I am a funny person, but if you base everything about me because of that - our relationship will not go beyond acquaintance and shallow friendship. That's all I can say for now. I gotta go.

Mabelle

Getting Sick pt 2 -- another vent edition

Honestly, I am too worked up to even vent in detail.

All I know is that my patience can only go so far. I am moving on.

Sorry in advance,

Mabelle

2014 plan

1. Go to AFRICA or EUROPE - w/ever comes first

Re-vamping postponed

Note to self: re-vamping postponed due to priorities.

1. August 16 - we passed US citizenship exam (parents and me)

2. August 27 - oath-taking to officially become a US citizen

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1. August 17 - got surprised by person and first time to bowl

2. August 16 - got drunk for the first time (never gonna happen again)

Getting SICK -- (vent edition)

Sometimes people can really test your patience to the limit.

I am usually a very patient and tolerant person. Maybe things changed. Or maybe someone just decided to poke me until I burst.

But, anyway, it is hard for me to let some things go. Again -- ASSUMPTIONS -- please do not assume anything about me. I am not that predictable. I am not that transparent. Maybe it's only recently that I decided to try and grow up. But that 'recently' is something that I seriously think about.

Predictable Maria is now old. I am not going to be that anymore. I am determined to change for the better.

I am determined to-try and grow up-like I've been saying.

And, I am not very patient with people who THINK they know my every move.

Look - if you have an idea of happiness or a perspective of whatever concept. Sure. Live it your way, but do not try to tell me what it is when I do not remember asking... or when it is clearly not part of the topic.

I am not all naive and in la-la land all the time. I have moments, too. I am friggin 22 years old, not 13 and happily innocent.  I have issues now. I get mad. I curse. I need constant stress relief. I have feelings now, thank you very much.

Okay, so now... just please don't label me or try to figure me out. I haven't figured myself out just yet... and it gets frustrating when other people know me better than I do. Or at least ASSUME that they do. It is not fun to be left behind from all this exciting explorations. It really is.

Anyway, please give me this time to just not act nice or be nice. I am tougher than most people think. Just give me a chance to prove it.

Thanks,

M.

Burnt Out (maybe)

Today I really had that strong feeling of need to take a break from my duties and responsibilities.

Since I can't really take a long vacation (3 months) from work, I'm just going to pretend that I am on a vacation. If only this is possible and if only my mind and body could help me out with the 'discipline' area of things...

Anyhoot - right now I just really wanna take a break from cantoring... I am kind of feeling burnt out and tired from all the music that I could barely process reading the notes. I am, in the first place, not a musical person.

This no-break nonsense is not making me a happy camper.

Anyway,

Whatever...

I'll figure something out.


Love to the nth,

Mabelle

Remembering the old...

HTMYTU - A Registered Incorporated Piracy

HTMYTU is an acronym for "how to make your time useful." Please feel free to follow my attempt to kill boredom. Thanks! (Note: This blog does not contain tips on how to kill boredom, but it may or may not make your day. Either way, enjoy!)

Just thought of posting this since it probably will be one of the things that will change in this blog. Same acronym. Probably a different concept. Not that this blog had a fixed concept. Just covering all my bases. 

xoxo,

Mabelle

REVAMPING NOTICE

Re-vamping of this blog will commence in a few days or weeks. A new concept. A new me.

When you realize that time is uncontrollably fast and fate is too unpredictable... random ideas come to mind and sometimes you just feel the need to just do it.

xoxo,

Mabelle

As time goes by swiftly...

Sadly, I could not think of anything interesting to write about...

I've had so many issues these past couple of months that aren't even mine to start with.

I've tried to resolve them, but I don't think I, as a person, physically can. I think the healing really is up to fate and time. That didn't come from me, though. Not taking credit for the words of wisdom.

Okay, so my issue is about growing up. I need to grow up-- NOT PHYSICALLY-- like all my smart-aleck friends would say. I need to grow up mentally and emotionally. I'm 22 and I act like a 10-year-old. I probably think like it, too. I say probably because I have no control of my mind whatsoever. My mind does whatever it sees obnoxious.

So far, my friends are sticking around, but I do not know how long it will take before they all realize that it's getting kind of old.

I'll try to control myself. It's a challenge that I am willing to take on.

But, that being said, I will always keep the fun side of me. Delirious Maria will be less childish when it comes to decision-making, planning, and communicating, but will still be the same crazy, random.

If you think I wouldn't be able to pull off. Think again. You never know-- many people DO underestimate me... 😋

Once you put your heart into doing something-- wonders can be made. It's never too late to try again...or to discover things worth exploring.

Beautiful hearts make beautiful souls.

A very special SHOUT-OUT to ze "special" birthday boy

"My Norbit is always telling me there's two kinds of women: big old good ones and good old big ones." -You know where this is from, don't lie.

HTMYTU/MHABYPRODUCTIONS

presents

STARBUCKS CRAZIES

featuring

ANDREW

December 14, 2011
Christmas Party in the Basement

August 09, 2012

Someone just turned 22 today. 

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... I could have actually ended my entry right there, but if you have been reading my past entries, you'd know it's not possible ;-)

My best guy turned 22 today. By this time, I'm guessing that I would probably have not seen him in a while, if not, then haha I lied.

(See, you have to understand that I made this entry way in advance.)

Okay, where to start... oh gosh, I have lots of things that I could probably say in this entry, but I won't because he knows them already. So, maybe a simple...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRAZZLE'S DAD!!!

...would be enough, wouldn't it? :-)

Oh well, that's it for now. 

[the pic sucks for me, but hey... it's all I have :( ]

exes and ohs,

Mabelle

The things you do for a pack of gum

There are little things in life that may matter more to you than to other people.

I have my little quirks and little priceless moments that I long for every now and then...
I give value to the things that cannot be seen, but rather felt...
A celebration that comes once a year is a celebration worth a thousand times over--

It's always been my most important thing... to be special for that one day...
When it does happen, I am grateful, when it does not then the world seems to fall on top of me that I cannot dodge.

I speak this in tongues since I do not want to be known. For if I am known, then I have nothing more to keep.
I be not myself because I know it is not the right hand. I will uncover what is left... when I find peace. But for now, trust is a virtue and patience is a challenge. I need to overcome. A birth is a celebration worth celebrating a thousand times over.

-22-