Moving On

Today I propose a start of a long program. Moving on.

It's time for me to get out of the shadows I've been lurking in and try to stand on my own. I find that it isn't worth it anymore. I know that being in someone else's shadow is a choice. However, I've always been good at being unconditionally supportive at the sidelines watching someone else grow - it's not a first for me, and knowing myself, it wouldn't be the last. I have no regrets, though. No regrets that I have cared unconditionally. However, I can only take so much.

I have cared for a person for 6 years - unconditionally. It's not what you think. It's nothing romantic. It's sibling love. I should say that I have so many other friends whom I think of as my siblings. I should also say that I take more care of my brothers than I would of my sisters - just because I don't have real, biological brothers - and I think that females are stronger than males in so many ways. I'm not sexist, I'm just basing it from experience.

Now that I know that things went downhill between me and that person, I moved on without even planning it. Just all of a sudden - we stopped talking. And, all of a sudden, it doesn't really matter to me. You probably wonder why I haven't done anything. Maybe it's pride. Or maybe my fuse finally burned out and I just don't have the desire to replace it. I feel that I've fought hard enough. Friendship and relationships are to be worked on - but it shouldn't take a lot if both parties fight for it - it shouldn't take a lot if both parties commit to it. Clearly, I committed more than I should, and now that I'm not carrying the weight of it, I'm watching the wind blow it away. Sadly, I don't really feel bad about it and I'm glad it's over.

That took 6 years of pure, unconditional sibling love. This time, it's different. It's much shorter. It shouldn't be as difficult. Everyone has been against it, anyway. It wasn't strong enough. I tried. I don't want to regret it. Ever. I don't want to regret anything. Ever. I do believe it was jinxed, but that's a whole different story. Look, I give my all into something even if people tell me not to. I am not regretting that I have, though. I will never regret that I have.

Now all I gots to do is slowly pull myself away. Since this person is not trusting me - I have not reason to trust him as well. I know I'm being stubborn and it is being seemingly a conditional relationship... but I have reasons. And I could never enter something conditional. I can't be childish forever.

...People, I act childish because I find it funny. I am a funny person, but if you base everything about me because of that - our relationship will not go beyond acquaintance and shallow friendship. That's all I can say for now. I gotta go.

Mabelle